Confessions of a Box Office Manager: where's the panic button?

He is staring at me as though he is trying to extract some sort of confession, the unnervingly intense gaze being further exacerbated by the owl-like, steel-rimmed spectacles.

"Do you…? …You know…" he repeats for the umpteenth time, accompanied yet again by a head movement – a sort of furtive nod conflated with a facial expression of extreme surprise – that is fast becoming simultaneously sinister and annoying.

"This is a box office. For a theatre. I sell tickets" I helpfully offer, mentally cursing the theatre management for poohpoohing my suggestion that we might benefit from a panic button in the box office.

"Yes… mmmmm… yes," he nods slowly, rather like a Bond villain, if Bond villains wore fluorescent green polyester and took to visiting West End theatre foyers on midweek mornings. "But… do you…" (that head movement again) "… that is to say, are there…?"

"Any seats available for tonight's performance?" I interject hopefully, trying not to sound alarmed. This man has been here for about ten minutes now and I'm still not sure what he wants. And before you ask, no he doesn't have a speech impediment … I know this as he has taken three calls on his mobile since being in the foyer and was a symphony of articulation in each of them.

"No! Well…yes, I mean…do you…??" (He's doing it again.)

"Do I……?" I realise that I have now begun to accompany every thing that I say with a sort of mirthless side-to-side head wobble, heaven forbid that our favorite Bond baddie should have the monopoly on crazy head movements, right?!

"Do you…?"

"Do I…?" (I have now started to rise slowly out of my seat and am moving towards the glass…what the hell is going on here?! I think he's hypnotising me…where IS that panic button… oh yeah, there isn't one.)

"Do you…?"

"Yes?"

"Do you?"

"YES?!!"

"Do you…" (he is perspiring quite heavily on his forehead, I notice) "do you…HAVE ANY DEALS ON???"

(My bottom returns to the seat with a dull thud of disappointment.)

"Deals?!" I (try not to) bark, almost forgetting that I am addressing a potential paying customer.

"Yes! Deals! Discounts?" he pants, sweating profusely.

"Ah I see," I answer, feeling vaguely relieved but also deflated. "Well, are you entitled to any concessions, as in student, senior citizen…?" (He certainly doesn't look as though he would be, but stranger things have happened.)

"No."

"Ok then, so the prices would be the ones indicated on the sign there, although tonight is very busy so I may not have something at all of them."

He looks at the price list, mopping his face with a handkerchief.

"So, there are no discounts then?"

"As I said, we offer discounts to…"

"Yes, but I've seen this show on at the TKTS booth."

"So why didn't you buy your tickets at TKTS?" I think/"Ah yes, we do sometimes send them an allocation when we have enough availability" I actually say.

"And I've seen cheaper prices online."

"That would be online ticket agency, sir" I add, stating the bleeding obvious. "To get that price you would need to book through them. Here at the theatre we only sell at full price unless you're entitled to a concession."

"Can I do it now?"

"Er……"

The problem with shows that aren't complete sell-outs is that sometimes customers will see a reduced price online or at a ticket agency but don't realise that this discount is exclusive TO THAT OUTLET, and that rocking up to the Box Office demanding the same deal doesn't work. Or not always. Personally, I try not to be too jobsworth about it and so, if the house is quiet that day and the potential patron is sufficiently friendly/patient/polite/hot/ I will do my best to match the deal they have found with a discount I have on our system. It seems silly to turn away business and to have empty seats, even if said seats' occupants haven't paid the full asking price. It's all revenue.

Tonight however we are really busy and the few seats that we have left are extremely likely to sell at the full rate.

"Honestly sir, I don't think you'll find anything cheaper for tonight other than what I am offering you here. Possibly if you want to book for a future date …?"

"Thanks but I'm going to try TKTS" he says, and then, bless him, he thanks me for my help (without sarcasm, I think.)

I check the TKTS screen and note that they have just one pair left, so hopefully he'll get there in time to grab those. Since I have only a dozen clear view seats left for tonight I really can't justify sending the booth any more allocation… It can be hard to turn around a situation where the customer arrives with a "discount mentality" and on this occasion I failed miserably. But hey… nobody died.