Superstar blog: Episode two – the island

The voice-over in last night’s episode Amanda Holden is seen tonight as we travel to Superstar Island. You can tell that the contestants mean business as many of them haven’t shaved.

Amanda announces that this is Jesus Bootcamp. The Lord tells them to look after their bodies as well as their minds. I begin to laugh at this point as everything feels very earnest and life-or-death. I know that’s the format but much of what you see has very little to do with the final product. Villainous Jonathan Ansell has been released from his contract and is back as Jesus No. 41.

Just when you think this couldn’t get any more Spinal Tap or Naked Gun, the bearded ones are invited to eat their ‘Last Supper.’ Any more Bible puns and I may have to start hammering nails into my arms and start singing “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” Then I hear the word “temptation” – bring on the nails! Then you realise why they have been invited to eat/drink. See which one gets hungover and then get them up early and make them sing. Ah, I see! Quelle suprise.

Nathan from The Voice is told to lose the hair-ography by vocal and acting coach Donna. She is excellent because she winds many of them up, which makes great telly, but also because some of them think they are the ‘chosen one’ and answer her back. Jason Donovan cracks a joke about wide-eyed model type Ross and declares him to be Zoolander.

Then uber-villain Ansell starts to become argumentative and you sense he could be arguing himself off the Island. Pack your 50 Shades of Grey and your razor because it looks likely. Donna tells him he seems “disconnected” to the material he sings and he has a go back. Melanie C looks serious and asks him to “think before he speaks.” Pack your bag as you’ll be back in A Tale of Two Cities before long.

Jason and Mel do come across as very authoritive and their partnership definitely works. There are some scenes which remind me of those two off The Apprentice who stand in the background frowning when they hear the entrepreneurs name their new dogs’ food Catty.

The show’s format though does resemble X Factor more than any other show I have seen. Why else put them into groups and make them sing, dance and act together. Cue cat fight – or beard pulling – and there you have reality television. Seamus from Any Dream Will Do keeps popping up in the background. It’s like they don’t want us to see much of him. I think he is the Jesus already.

A meaningless task follows as each group have to make a pop video. One group pick the awful “Jar of Hearts” which could easily be mistaken for a song by Hannibal Lecter. What’s wrong with jar of marbles, why hearts? The other groups sing “Grenade” and you can see Seamus in the background again. Is he about to throw one? Jason announces that the “performance in the videos will help decide who goes home.” Ansell is sent off the Island – with only Louis Walsh on speed dial – what will happen to him? What’s more why did he enter?

The Lord then invites the remaining men to his villa in Majorca. This is like a posh Judges’ Houses from X Factor – fingers crossed Sinitta is in this bit! Oh, hold on – this is a sun-drenched advert for next week’s episode, followed by the live shows. So after all of the carping on about how important this search is, in TV land – it only takes one week to find Jesus. Well, I suppose with Andrew being the Lord, he has connections.