Confessions of a Box Office Manager: A matinee mix-up

BOM: Hello, box office?

(Long pause, then a sigh at the other end of the phone)

TIMON: Oh. Hey. Yeah. Is that you?

BOM: Yes! Hello Timon. You sound completely over it…

(Pause)

TIMON: (Sounding completely over it) Yeah. Well, look. I've got this woman. She wants you. I'm putting her through, yeah?

BOM: Lovely. Thanks very much.

(BOM loves these chats)

Hello, you're through to the box office…

(Sound of sobbing from the other end of the phone)

Hello?

(More sobbing)

Helloooooooo??!

(Sound of nose being blown…extensively)

FEMALE VOICE: (Weakly) I'm so sorry.

BOM: How can I help? Are you ok?

FEMALE VOICE: Yes…well, no actually, I mean…(more sobbing)

BOM: Take deep breaths! There's no rush…

(Another long pause, more nose blowing)

FEMALE VOICE: I'm so sorry about that.

BOM: No problem at all. How can I help?

FEMALE VOICE: (Breaking down again) Please don't be nice to me. I've been so stupid…

BOM: OK, OK, I promise not to be nice! Now…tell me what the problem is. You know you're through to a theatre box office, yes? Is this about tickets? Or…

FEMALE VOICE: (Slightly hysterical) YES-THIS-IS-ABOUT-TICKETS!!!

BOM: (Gulp)

(Awkward pause)

FEMALE VOICE: I'm sorry, I am a bit stressed. Can you hear me OK? I'm trying to whisper.

BOM: Yes I can hear you fine. Where are you?

FEMALE VOICE: In my hotel room. I'm whispering because my boyfriend is in the bathroom. He's getting ready…getting ready to…to…come and see your show tonight…(starts crying again)

BOM: Well, that's good isn't it?

FEMALE VOICE: (Sobbing) N…n…no it isn't. I accidentally booked tickets for the m-m-m-

BOM: Matinee?

FEMALE VOICE: YES! (More sobbing) He's going to be so angry when he finds out.

BOM: Ah I see. Well, if you just stop crying for a moment let's see what we can do… Have you got the tickets in front of you?

FEMALE VOICE: No I was collecting the tickets from you but I've got a print out, it's a bit soggy.

BOM: I can imagine. What name did you make the booking in?

FEMALE VOICE: Simpson.

(Pause)

BOM: Ah yes, I've got the tickets right here. Stalls row H centre. Oh! You had great seats actually. Premium seats in fact. Sorry, that's probably not want you want to hear at this point.

FEMALE VOICE: (Flatly) I chose them specially.

BOM: I can see that you booked them yourself online. I guess you didn't check the confirmation email when it came through? It's always worth doing that.

FEMALE VOICE: Well…I printed it off straight away and…put it in my handbag. I just checked it now…(Starts crying again). It's my other half's birthday weekend. And I've RUINED it. I've ruined EVERYTHING!

BOM: OK, look, stop crying and I will try…

(More nose blowing)

Are you listening?

FEMALE VOICE: Yes, yes I'm here.

BOM: Right. Well, the show IS sold out tonight…

FEMALE VOICE: Oh GOD…!

BOM: but…BUT! I have got a few house seats I'm holding on to, and they're quite near to the ones that you originally booked. I can let you have a pair of those if you like? As we're full I will have to charge you though, I'm afraid.

FEMALE VOICE: That's fine, can you really get us in? That's amazing. (Background noise) Oh hell, he's coming out of the bathroom (Shouts) Love! I'm just on the phone to my Mum! (More background noise) No, everything's fine! She just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday! (Back into phone) Mum?! He says thank you.

BOM: Jolly good. Er…

FEMALE VOICE: (Shouting again) I'm just going to finish this call out in the hall! You stick the TV on! Have a gin! (Sound of door slamming; back into phone) Right, I'm here. Sorry about that.

BOM: (Trying not to laugh) No problem. So…you want to go ahead with this?

FEMALE VOICE: Yes, I've got my card here. I just hope I haven't maxed it, I've been on Oxford Street all day.

BOM: Hmmm well, I'm not supposed to do this but since you already paid Premium price for the matinee I'll do this pair for you at the access rate, which is 50 per cent off. How does that sound?

FEMALE VOICE: (Getting weepy again) That is SO kind. Thank you SO MUCH. I don't know what to say…

BOM: Well, since the curtain goes up in about an hour, why don't we start with your card number?!

(And the booking goes off without a hitch, there was clearly just enough credit left on the card to pay for a pair of excellent front stalls. The weeping lady's boyfriend had the best birthday EVER, they adored the show, their relationship is saved, they are now getting married and planning to name their first born after BOM, regardless of gender. OK so that last bit probably isn't true but they DID get to see the show, she never bought tickets online again without triple checking that she'd booked the right performance, BOM had an otherwise drama-free Saturday night….and hey, nobody died.)