My first Edinburgh: how does one transport twenty-five dildos to the festival?

How does one transport twenty-five dildos to Edinburgh? The Transportation Security Administration website said, "don’t put sex toys in checked baggage because they have a 'high-rate' of getting stolen". So, I brought them in my carry-on luggage where security saw them in their x-ray scanner, and promptly pulled me to the side for further inspection. "I’m a performer and these are props for my show," I say. To which the security officer replies, "I need to scan them for bomb evidence." And thus I made my way to Edinburgh from the US!

I can now say I’ve safely traveled with 200 mini dildo keychains (which I’m giving away to market the show) along with 150 T-shirts that say, "Tense Vagina: an actual diagnosis, I laughed so hard I peed my pants". In addition, I’ve made a new promotional video that plays-up the edgy-factor of the show (yes – it’s a bold and brave piece of performance), designed flyers, posters, and hired a person to hand-out said flyers, done more interviews than I can count on two hands, bought ad space, hired a Scottish nanny to watch my kids, renewed my Costco membership so I can purchase some one thousand+ snacks (for the show's run) at Cowgate’s Iron Belly, paid the balance on my Edinburgh flat, and made an appointment for my kids to spend an afternoon as Farmer’s Helpers on Gorgie City Farm.

It wasn’t pretty, but I appear to have arrived in one piece

I purchased and traveled with Gaffer tape, spike tape, plain tape, packing tape, bubble wrap, batteries (both AA and AAA),"fragile stickers" screwdrivers, new dildos (naturally), microphones, flame-proofing retardant, adapters, power strips, extension cords, and will be buying a large box fan in the next day or so. I had grossly underestimated how much stuff I was schlepping for this show. It wasn’t pretty, but I appear to have arrived in one piece. Do I have everything I need? Am I prepared for my first Fringe? Time will tell.

I arrived from London by train as the scenic route was recommended. It did live up to its hype. So much green! And I saw the North Sea for the first time. And here I am in Edinburgh! I can tell this is the quiet before the storm, however I am in awe of the culture that is setting-up in every corner of the city. There are hundreds of posters and flyers everywhere for all of the shows, but I know the party hasn’t quite begun yet.

I’m slowly getting accustomed to all of the vehicles going the wrong way on the wrong side of the street. I’m trying really hard not to step off the curb without looking RIGHT. And I cannot believe the buses get that close to the curb. Even though we are supposedly speaking the same King’s English, I can understand maybe half of what I’m hearing spoken. I’ve ordered my first proper fish and chips with a pint – and yep, that’s some good stuff right there! As we say in the States, BRING IT!

Tense Vagina: an actual diagnosis runs at Underbelly Cowgate, Iron Belly, 16.10 until 27 August.

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