Wolfgang Weinberger On … Sexual Misery at Christmas

In a well appointed drawing room with an open fireplace there will be a gathering of a very large and very happy family. It is easy to see right away that this family has never had a fight nor is it likely to ever engage in such a ghastly thing.
Quite a few precocious children happily lounge around on a lush carpet playing with non-electronic toys of high educational value which their smiling parents obviously have made themselves.

These parents are clean from top to bottom, well-rested, financially secure and surely have done something dirty only once in their life – when they begot their children.

Likewise the grandparents in that room – unbelievably fit octogenarians who are even good-humoured when one of the toddlers rips out their last wisp of hair and the family dog (Golden retriever) pees on their leg at the same time.

And then all of a sudden night falls (technically a fade out) and we find out that all of this bliss and harmony is simply owed to a few rolls of astonishingly soft toilet paper, and we have in fact been watching an advert.

Now, if you really, really want to make yourself miserable this Christmas you simply have to expect your holiday to be just like in the world of astonishingly soft toilet paper. The slightest deviance from the above scenario and you should get really pissed off! Scream and yell at your family for being the only bunch of misfits in the UK who can’t have a NORMAL Christmas, like everyone else.

Because NORMAL is all you’re asking for and if you can’t even have that you might as well forget about the whole damn Christmas thing! Drink yourself into a stupor and sulk in a corner. Just like last year.

Sex – same as Christmas

Like Christmas, the route to guaranteed sexual misery is to just demand what’s NORMAL. You don’t know what NORMAL is when it comes to sex? Aw, come on, just follow the sex advisers on TV and in the glossies and then you’ll know what’s considered normal these days.

NORMAL is:

sex every day – just like all normal couples, particularly the ones in your circle of friends

always coming together (never mind that it takes the average man 2 mins. to climax and the average woman 17 mins.)

instinctively knowing what your partner wants without ever bothering to talk about it

expecting the same from your partner – he or she should damn well know from magazines etc. what turns you into a rocket

always having spontaneous sex, even after 17 years of being together
normal is also what men watch on the internet

and it is also normal what women see on the internet (9 inches)

And so, if you can’t get what’s just normal you might as well forget about the whole damn thing and not bother with it at all anymore, like roughly 25% of us are not bothering with it anymore.

But then again, you could give yourself a gift this Christmas. You could give yourself the gift of lower expectations

For once, ignore the Christmas and the sex advisers and the self help gurus all around you and let’s all be a bit more realistic. Because no matter if it’s Christmas or sex (both potentially joyous occasions) – when you bring down the expectations something interesting might happen. Who knows, you could be pleasantly surprised…

Merry Christmas to you all!

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A Guide to Sexual Misery runs at the Duchess Theatre, after fellow one-man show Morecambe, on 18, 19, 21, 22, 23, 27, 28, 29, 30 & 31 December 2009.