Last night I had the misfortune of eating what must surely be a prime contender for the Worst Burger in Edinburgh 2011. It was my own stupid fault. I had, until then, managed to steer clear of junk food but was having one of those days when I was dashing about between things and had 15 minutes to get something to eat.

I was starving so was quite pleased when I spied the burger stand (the only source of food at this popular Fringe venue). I attempted to order a lamb burger. Right from the start the burger man's surly demeanour should have set alarm bells ringing. His motto was 'service with a frown' and he ignored me for about five minutes. It seemed he could only make one burger at a time and his attention was completely taken up with cooking a beefburger for the man in front of me. When he finally got round to me, he fished a pale brown shape out of a vat of murky liquid and plonked it onto his grill. He seemed annoyed when I informed him I did not want cheese. There were two girls behind me in the queue who also wanted burgers but he steadfastly ignored them until one of them pointed it that it was indeed possible to cook more than one burger at a time.

Then the man took out a giant metal probe attached to an electronic device and stuck it into my burger. Obviously he was checking the temperature - and maybe this is now standard practice on burger stalls - but it was somehow very off-putting as if the burger was swarming with bacteria that needed to be nuked. He judged that most germs were dead, dumped it between a pre-sliced, dry bap and took my £4.50, gesturing towards some plastic tubs of mushy tomatoes, slimy lettuce and gelatinous salsa.

Unfortunately nothing could disguise the taste of this lamb burger. I say "taste" but it didn't really have a taste. It was more an unpleasant texture. It was basically like eating something that had already been chewed and spat out by someone else. It certainly did not taste like lamb and I find it hard to believe there was actually lamb in it unless it contained ground up lamb hooves and nostrils or something. I watched other people order burgers and desperately wanted to tell them not to but I feared the man would kill me.

Earlier in the day we peformed at the Foodies Festival in Holyrood Park and were given vouchers for free food. However, I was too busy flyering and then had to dash back to the Royal Botanic Garden to do our own show so missed out on the chance to get a decent burger. However, there was time for a horrible man with lizard eyes to try and put his hand up my skirt.